Hi, and welcome to take control with Whitney Wells. I have decided to do this podcast in order to give you some tools, some awesome information, a different perspective, and just to let everyone in on a potential different way. For me, when I learned all of these tools and concepts, my mind was blown. I felt empowered and free. And I just want to share that all with you. My name is Whitney Wells, and I'm a certified life coach through The Life Coach School. But besides that, I'm also a mother to an amazing five year old little boy, a step mom to an incredible 14 year old teenager. I'm a wife to a wonderful and supportive husband, and I'm also a business owner. And among other things, I have a self proclaimed control enthusiast. Being a control enthusiast is basically a fancy way of saying a control freak or someone with type a personality.
Someone like this may describe themselves as being a perfectionist or an overachiever. They may be driven and competitive. They care deeply about the relationships in their lives. But may also tend to get frustrated and worry with the people around them, often. Being a control enthusiast has served me in certain areas of my life while it has caused me to suffer in others, at times. I love being a mom. I love being a wife. I love my family enormously. But I believe an area of life in which control enthusiasts suffer unnecessarily is in their relationships with other people. So before doing this podcast, I looked up the definition of control and it reads "the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events". Let's take a look at this definition, a little further, "the power to influence or direct people's behavior or course of events". This suggests that we believe we know what is best.
But, let's question that. Do you? Do you know, what is best? Is it possible that maybe another way is best for that person? This also suggests that we believe that it is even possible to make someone behave a certain way or have something go exactly as planned, which we just can't.
When I read this definition, the first words that came to my mind were impossible suffering and exhausting, Controlling people is impossible. It feels terrible. And it takes so much energy. It may work at times, you may be able to get your spouse to do what you want or act in a certain way, or you may be able to get the people around you to behave in a certain way as well. But this is unauthentic, it doesn't feel good for anyone involved and it takes so much effort.
Think of a time in your life in which you wanted someone to behave a certain way, did it work? And how did it feel? Of course you can absolutely continue on trying to influence and direct people's behavior or the course of events. You can absolutely continue on trying to control people and the things around you. That is completely an option. But ask yourself, "what is it costing you?" The authenticity of your relationships? Or maybe your emotional health? When people don't do what you want, do you feel negative feelings?
And to go even further so often while we try to control people and things, we end up with less control. Because on the one hand we can't control the person or the thing, the person is behaving and acting as he or she is going to. And then on the other hand, we aren't controlling ourselves, our minds around it. We suffer with negative feelings. So when trying to achieve the one thing in hopes of feeling better, you make it even worse for yourself. Both the person isn't doing what you want, or is and isn't being authentic, and you feel terrible.
So why do we want to control? We may believe we know what is best. While, that could feel very true for you. Ultimately, we want to control the people and things, because we want to feel a certain way. Everyone does, or doesn't do something in order to feel a certain way and controlling the people is no different. We do this to feel a feeling. We do this because we think it will make us feel better. And who doesn't want to feel better?
So let's take a few examples. Let's say you want your spouse to spend more time with you, or you want your spouse to be more romantic. It may seem like it's coming from a loving place, from a kind place from a thoughtful place. But this is when you want to just step back and check in with yourself and ask yourself, "why do I want him to do this thing?" Why do I want him to say those words or act in that way? The answer is always a feeling. It is not the action of them actually doing or saying the thing , it is the feeling you get when he does. And the great news is, you have the option to access those feelings at any time, if you want to. Which leads me to the solution.
So now you may be wondering, what do you do from here? What is the solution? Well, it's simple, but it takes practice. Let the people be the people. Let the people around you, act and do and be as they are. I am not saying that for their sake, cause we already know they're going to do what they want. The solution is for your sake. Letting go of trying to control people, opens up possibilities for you to feel positive emotions or to have a different experience altogether.
So if you're with me until now, and you believe that controlling others is pointless and leaves you feeling worse. And if you decide to let them be them and do what they want, what now? This is where all of your power lies. You have all the power and control over your experience through the thoughts that you think. Your feelings come from, the thoughts you choose to think. Not from any other person, knowing this is everything. So I'm going to repeat it. Your feelings come from the thoughts you choose to think. Not from any other person. This has the power to change your relationship with control, with the world around you and yourself.
So my suggestion is to try on curiosity or understanding or love. When you approach a situation with curiosity, understanding or love, you will loosen your grip on controlling it. You will allow yourself and make room for yourself to have a different experience.
So let's take an example. Let's say your husband said he would take the trash out, but he didn't do this. You could think "he doesn't care about me or the relationship" or "he's putting one more thing on my plate to do" these thoughts may produce a negative feeling for you, such as hurt or resentment. Or you could choose to think thoughts such as "he's probably busy or forgot", or "I can totally handle this. I got it". These thoughts are more likely to produce a positive feeling, such as understanding or empowerment.
So let's recap. 1) controlling people is impossible. Despite how hard we may try. 2) everything we do or don't do is to feel a certain way. Which means people try to control others in order to feel that emotion. 3) when attempting to control the people or things around you, you often feel worse because going back to number one, controlling people just doesn't work. And 4) the solution, let all the people do and be an act however they wish. Take back your power and control your mind and your feelings.
So the next time someone isn't behaving like you want, just take a step back and know that you have the power to feel any way you want. You can let go of the control over the other person and focus it back on yourself and your own mind. Take control, control the controllable and not the impossible.
And I just want to say, thank you so much for listening. I truly enjoyed spending this time with you sharing. This is the first of many episodes in which we will dive into this topic. I want to show you what is possible with these tools and share all the secrets to up-leveling your life. So keep listening.