July 1, 2020

Take Control of Your Relationships

In this episode we look at what a relationship is, where it exists and how to improve your experiences of your relationships.

Transcribed:

Hi, and welcome to episode five of take control with Whitney Wells. So I'm coming to you from my, blanket Fort, again, very cozy in here. And today we're going to talk about relationships. I'm super excited about this topic because relationships and the connections that we have with the people around us and the people in our lives, they are such a significant part of our lives. They serve a big role often. Um, if you think about it, we have relationships with, you know, our significant other, our children, our parents, our brothers, sisters, our family members, our friends, they're all around us. So when we can see what the makeup of that relationship is, how we are suffering from certain ones, how we can take control and really use our power for the betterment of the relationship, it can just serve us in so many ways.

So that's what we're going to talk about today. When I learned that relationships actually exist, not externally, but in our minds, I was like, "huh, that's interesting". You know, we often times think that they exist outside of us, right? There's you, there's me, and then there's our relationship. We think it's like an external thing of its own, but really try on the idea that the relationship is actually existing within your mind.

So for an example, think about someone that you haven't seen in awhile. Think about someone who has passed away, right? So you have this person that you haven't seen, or who has passed away, and you have these thoughts about them. You have maybe positive thoughts about them. So you have this positive feeling and this positive experience with them, but they don't, you don't even see them, right? They are either not alive or they live far away. You haven't seen them in awhile, but you're still having this positive relationship with them. So it shows you how it's not this external thing, it is within yourself. It's within your mind. It's within your control, basically. Which is a great, great thing.

So there are different experiences that one can have within a relationship. So let's look at some of those. Both people may feel the same positive feeling towards each other, right? And they both have an experience of a positive thought, which creates that positive feeling. They have this positive experience. Or another experience that could happen within a relationship is both people have a negative feeling towards each other. They feel this negative feeling. They have these negative thoughts. They have this negative experience. Then another experience of a relationship could be all that's in between those, not evenly matched, right? So one person could be thinking a positive thought, having a positive experience within that relationship. And the other person could be thinking negative thoughts, having negative feelings and not having a positive experience within that relationship. So they're not evenly matched.

Let's look at these relationship experiences a bit more closely. So the first one, both people are thinking positive thoughts about each other. So for an example, the thought "my spouse is so supportive". "We are a great team". "I love the life we have together." Those are positive thoughts which may produce the feeling of love or appreciation or gratitude. Right? And then the other person, the spouse in this relationship may have equal, positive thoughts. They have other, or the same positive thoughts that produce those feelings of love and gratitude and appreciation. Right? So both of their experiences are positive within that relationship because of the thoughts that they're thinking.

The second experience that we talked about is both people are thinking negative thoughts about each other. So this may look like if you have a friend and you may think "they are mean". "I don't agree with how they live their life". "I don't like how they're always gossiping". Just some examples, right? And from these negative thoughts that you're having, you're creating these positive feelings and maybe those feelings are annoyance or frustration or whatever they may be. But your experience from those negative feelings from those negative thoughts is a negative experience. And then your friend may also be having these negative thoughts as well, maybe the same, maybe different, but they're also experiencing those negative feelings and then creating that negative experience for themselves.

And then the third experience of a relationship that may occur is a mismatched experience, right? So you have a negative thought about the other person and you want that person to be different in some way. So an example may be, you think "they should spend more time with me". "They shouldn't treat me that way". "They aren't acting right". And then you have a negative feeling. And the mismatched part comes when the other person has positive thoughts about you and has positive feelings such as we spend the perfect amount of time together. We treat each other well, we have a great relationship. So this person who is in this relationship as well has positive feelings. So you are experiencing these negative feelings from your thoughts. They are experiencing positive feelings from their positive thoughts and they are contradicting each other.

Now, if the relationship actually existed outside of us, and it was its own being, its own separate thing, how could they be different? Right? How could one person be experiencing negative feelings and a negative experience? Having the relationship be negative. And the other person be experiencing a positive experience. Having the relationship be positive? How could it be different if it does exist outside of us? So it just shows how the relationship itself exists within our thoughts, all of these examples show, especially the last one show how, when you think a certain thought about somebody else you'll create that feeling. And when they think certain thoughts about you, they will create that feeling and that experience for themselves. And you guys, both you and the other person can have a different experience within the same relationship. So it's your thoughts about them and their thoughts about you that equal the relationship. So your thoughts are basically having a relationship with their thoughts.

So let's talk about how we can take control of our experience. We talked about how the relationship exists in our minds. Now let's talk about how we can actually take control of that. We will talk about where our power lies, where we can actually, use our thoughts for our benefit. So since the relationship does exist in your thoughts, this is the best news I think. Because you have all the power over your thoughts, you can choose what you want to think. You can choose what you want to focus on. So basically you can choose the relationship you want to have. I just love this. When I learned this, I was like, "this is amazing".

Your experience exists within your own thoughts. You can have a great experience of a relationship, even if the other person isn't. Your experience does not have to coincide, it does not have to equal what they are experiencing. You can have a separate relationship. You can have a separate experience and it can be positive if you want it to be. That is within your control, which is the best news ever.

So if you decide to feel, if you decide to think positive thoughts and have positive feelings, those feelings are for you. The other person in that relationship does not get to feel your feelings. They physically cannot feel your feelings. You feel your own feelings with your own thoughts. They will feel their own feelings with their own thoughts. They are separate. So if you choose to feel positive, even if somebody is choosing to have a negative experience in a relationship that is for you. You get to benefit from that.

When we look at the mismatched relationship, we often suffer because we want someone to be different in that relationship, right? So we're thinking they should do this, or they shouldn't do that. And we want them to show up differently. We want them to act differently. So to go back to the example I gave earlier, "they should spend more time with me". "They shouldn't treat me that way", right? So those are the thoughts that were the examples. We want them to be different. We want them to act different. We want them to feel or think or show up differently, right? And why do we want this? We want this because we want to feel a certain way. We're trying to have them act a certain way so that we can feel a certain way. So if they do something or act in some way or have some behavior that will give us a feeling. But really, we can have that feeling no matter what. We can choose to think a thought about what they do to have that feeling, anyway. They don't have control over that. You are the only one who has control over what you choose to think and your experience of the situation and vice versa.

So "letting" people be exactly who they are, how they are, show up, behave, think, feel, experience, have their own experience of the situation will set you free. And I say, letting in quotes, because we actually can't control them, right? They, it is impossible to control somebody else. So we're letting them, but really it's going to happen anyway. The people outside of us are going to do what they want to do and accepting that will set you free. It will give you your power back. It will stop having, you try to do the impossible, which is control somebody else. So "letting" them in quotes, be exactly who they are, show up exactly how they want to show up. You can't control them, so when you try to, you suffer. And you want to focus on what you can control. You want to turn that back on yourself and say, "what experience do I want to have?", "What thoughts do I want to think?" And "how do I want to feel in this relationship?" You have the control over all of that.

So we talked about where relationships exist, right? They exist in our minds. They're not external. You have a thought about somebody else, that creates a feeling, that creates how you show up and your experience of that relationship. They have thoughts that create their feelings, that create how they show up and their experience of the relationship. Since it exists in our minds, that's where the control is as well. Knowing this gives you back all your power. It gives you the control. So you can take control over your experience.

So, do you have a relationship that you wish was different? Do you have somebody in your life that you wish you were closer to? Do you have a relationship that you are suffering within? Take a look at your thoughts, take a look at all your thoughts about that person. Be aware of them, own them as yours. As the thoughts that you are choosing to think. Let yourself feel the feelings that you are creating for yourself. Experience, feel, truly feel those feelings. Let yourself be there. You're choosing those thoughts. Let yourself be in that spot. Then ask yourself if you want to keep those thoughts. If you want the relationship to be different, do you want to keep these thoughts? If you do think, keep them, keep your thoughts. And if you don't, you have the power and the option to change them.

You can have a different experience in a relationship by changing your thoughts. So if you do want to have a different experience, if you do change, if you do choose to change your thoughts, if that is your choice, my suggestion is to make a list of all the positive thoughts you have about that person. All the positive thoughts you have about that relationship and list them and look at them. Focus on them. Practice those thoughts consciously and intentionally and on purpose. Practice those thoughts and repeat them. Focus on them, practice them, repeat them. It will change your experience within that relationship. You will focus your brain on the positive thoughts of that person, of that relationship, rather than on the thoughts that you were choosing not to focus on. Since your relationship exists in your mind, decide intentionally what you want your experience to be and take control. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you next time.

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© 2020 Whitney Wells Coaching
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