July 7, 2020

Is He or She "The One"?

In this episode we dive into a simple and powerful way to know if he or she is "the one" for you. We explore what you are creating when you stay in confusion or doubt and how to take your control back.

Transcribed:

Hi everyone! And welcome to episode seven of take control with Whitney Wells. So I hope everybody had a great 4th of July fun weekend. For me, it was super low key. We just hung out at home today. We played in the sprinkler, ran around outside. My son loves to play in the water. Super fun! I hope everyone had a great weekend.

So today we're going to talk about: Is he or she, the one, is he or she, Mr. or Mrs. Right? Is he or she your soulmate? So this episode could be super short. It could be complete after this question answer. How do you know if he or she is the one? The answer: you just decide. But keep listening to understand more about this. We're going to do a deeper dive into it. I'm going to explain more about you just deciding.

Have you ever asked herself if he or she is "the one" or "the right one"? Have you ever asked yourself if he or she is your soulmate or the love of your life? Maybe you have a list, maybe it's a physical list or in your head of the qualities or the characteristics that you want in a person or in a relationship. Now, I totally get this. I get this. I understand that you want to find that right person that you should spend the rest of your life with. It makes sense. Right? We see these movies, we see fairytale, endings. It sounds so nice to find your other half, But I want to offer that you could be holding yourself back. You could be holding yourself back from either enjoying the person you are with or moving on to new possibilities.

Alright, so let's slow this down a little bit more so we can take a closer look at it. So let's say you have a partner and you have a thought about your partner: 'He or she may not be one', or 'I don't know if he or she is the one'. That's your thought about your partner. And from that thought, maybe you have the feeling of doubt, or maybe you feel unsure, or maybe you feel confused. And that feeling drives the actions of maybe you're nit-picky. Maybe you judge, maybe you criticize. Maybe you compare your partner to other people. Maybe you compare your relationship to other relationships. And maybe you look for things that are wrong when you feel doubt or unsure or confused. And then from these actions you're creating that he or she isn't "the one". You're creating that you aren't being "the one".

So it's not your partner that is giving you the feeling of doubt or unsure or confused. It's not your partner that is driving the actions of being nitpicky, judging, criticizing, comparing and looking for things that are wrong. It's your thought 'he or she may not be the one' or 'I don't know if he or she is the one'. Those thoughts create your feeling of doubt and unsure and confused. Your thought: 'He or she may not be the one', or 'I don't know if he or she is the one' drives your actions of being nitpicky, judging, criticizing, comparing, and looking for things that are wrong. Your thought is creating your result. You are turning your thought into reality, which is you are creating that he or she isn't "the one". And you aren't being "the one" either.

Thinking that 'he or she may not be the one', or 'I don't know if he or she is the one' gives you that feeling of doubt and confusion, right? And that doubt and confusion; if you think about having that feeling, that vibration inside you, it leaves you spinning. It leaves you stuck. It's an indulgent emotion that holds you back. It doesn't give you traction or movement forwards towards what you want. And those feelings, as we showed earlier, lead to criticizing, comparing, judging your relationship or a potential future relationship. So ask yourself, do these actions serve me? Does this thought serve me? Do I want to feel doubt, unsure, confused?

Okay, so we know what questioning your relationship may get you, right? We just went over that and you may be wondering what do I do instead? What if knowing that he or she is "the one" is as simple as just deciding that they are. As I mentioned earlier, this is the best and simplest answer for you. You get to decide. You can decide anyone is the one for you. You can take control and decide he or she is the one just because. This is so much fun! And then you can keep deciding over and over again. When you make a decision, I suggest having your own back. So you decide, have your own back, and go all in.

Let's look at how much fun this can be. So you have your partner just as we demonstrated earlier. You have your partner and you have a thought. Instead of thinking 'he or she may not be the one', or 'I don't know if he or she is the one you' think instead 'he or she is the one for me'. And from that thought, you feel love. You feel peace. You feel happiness, excitement, open. Just some examples of some feelings that you might feel when you think that thought. And from those feelings, maybe you have actions of you look for things that are right. You enjoy the time that you spend together. You spend more time together. Maybe you laugh, maybe you talk and you don't compare with other people or other relationships. You don't judge your partner or your relationship. You don't find things that are wrong. And as a result you create that he or she is "the one" and you are being "the one" as well. So your partner is not giving you that feeling of love, peace, happiness, excitement, and open. You are creating it with your thought: 'He or she is the one for me'.

Let's look at the opposite thought. You have the same partner. And your thought is 'he or she isn't the person I want to be with'. So you decided he or she isn't the person I want to be with. And from that thought, maybe you feel peace or love or confident. And from those feelings, maybe you have the actions of you part ways with love and understanding. You talk. You move on to new possibilities and you don't judge. You don't compare. And from these actions, you a complete relationship. You complete the relationship and you create new possibilities for yourself.

By you deciding 'he or she is the one for me' or 'he or she isn't the person I want to be with'. You are creating these results. You are not spinning in that confusion. You're not stuck without movement. So as you see, if you want to create love or any other emotion, peace, confidence, confusion, unsure. You can, with your thoughts. That's where they come from. Your feelings come from your thoughts. So if you want to create that love for any person, you can with your thoughts. You have that power, if you want to.

You may be thinking: 'Is all of this just made up then?', Right? 'Is this just make believe land where we think thoughts and create this reality for ourselves. We create this person to be the one and we're in made up land, make-believe land.' But what if I told you that we are all already making up our thoughts? We're already doing this. You are all already thinking thoughts to think and then to feel, and to take the actions and create your results. So why not be intentional? Why not think and feel, and act and create your results on purpose.

Now let's talk about values and wants. Deciding someone is the one, just because you can doesn't mean you don't keep your values and your wants. Just because there's someone in front of you or you're with someone, doesn't mean that you forego on your values and your wants. Just check in and like your reasons for keeping them. That's what I suggest.

First off, are any of your wants for you to meet? Are any of your wants and efforts to control the other person to be different? What I mean by: are any of your wants for you to meet? Let's take an example: 'I want to be with someone who makes me happy'. That sounds really lovely and nice, right? And I feel like that's said often. But happiness is an emotion. And the only way you can feel that is from your thoughts. You are the only one who can create that feeling for you. Nothing or no one outside of you can create that feeling. So you have a partner, you think a thought about him or her, and then you create that happiness. You create that emotion. Thinking: 'I want to be with someone who makes me happy'. That's for you. That's a want for you to meet.

What if you want: 'I want someone who cares about the things that I do'. Just ask to ask yourself: why do you want this? Check in with yourself. Take a look and like your reasons for having your wants. If you like them, keep them. Notice which ones are for you to meet. And then you can take those off of your value list and your want list, because you can meet them. They are on you to meet. Your responsible for your emotions.

Being able to decide that they are "the one" doesn't mean that we have to decide that he or she is the one, just because they are there or just because you're with them or just because it's easy. So just because you're able to, doesn't mean you have to. You don't just want to find happy thoughts just to justify something or someone that goes against your values. This is really important because often times people learn this stuff and they think, let me just think the thoughts to generate happy, love and the nice emotions. But sometimes we want to hold onto our thoughts and our values. And those might generate unpleasant feelings. Sometimes you want to keep your values and keep your thoughts and not be with somebody. So for instance, if someone cheats on you. You could have a value of being faithful. You could have that value in a relationship that you want the person that you're with to be faithful. If he or she goes against your value, you may decide intentionally to feel betrayed. And you may part ways. So you're holding onto that value and feeling betrayed intentionally because you're thinking the thought and parting ways with that person. You are deciding that that person is not "the one". This means you can decide either way. You have the control of deciding either way. If you decide, yes, the person is "the one" or no, the person is not "the one", just have your own back and go all in on your decision. So what does this process look like?

Number one, look at your values. The qualities and the characteristics that you want in someone else. Like your reasons for having them. Notice which ones are wants you can meet on your own to not put that on somebody else. So for instance, some values that you may have are your religion or having kids or being healthy, or the idea of marriage (what that means to you, or even getting married). And then number two, Decide if he or she is the one, just decide, make the decision. It's that easy. Then number three, have your own back. And what I mean by that is focus on the thoughts that support your decision intentionally and purposefully. Think those thoughts.

Now, this doesn't mean you can't change your mind. Of course you can. And I think it's great to re-decide if he or she is "the one". So say that you're with somebody for awhile, ask yourself 'would I still be with this person now?' 'Would I still choose this person now. It's deciding again. You decide again, and you keep going all in on that decision, whatever it may be. You decide if he or she is "the one". It's as simple as that. It's the best news ever. It frees you from, all the confusion, all the doubt, all the judging and the questioning and the comparing, and it puts you in control. So, take control and decide. Thank you so much for listening and I will see you next time.

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© 2020 Whitney Wells Coaching
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