July 1, 2020

Controlling Your Own Reality

In this episode we dive into seeing reality, the facts of the situation, and then deciding intentionally how you want to show up. We talk about accepting reality in order to create your new reality.

Transcribed:

Hi, and welcome to episode four of take control with Whitney Wells. So I'm coming to you all from my closet. I have made a blanket fort in my closet. My sister-in-law suggested that this would help with the sound of my podcast and I think it has, so I will keep doing it. I'm going to keep building this blanket for each week. So I have blankets above me and below me and in back of me, it's kind of cozy in here. I kind of feel like my five year old son who creates multiple blanket forts each day, he loves his blanket forts.

So today we're going to talk about controlling your own reality. Now I just did a post on social media about this topic, but I want to dive in a little bit deeper. I want to go a little further with it. So I want to mention that I am coming from my point of view. And my point of view is that I am a white woman. I have white privilege because of my white skin. I have a biracial son, a biracial stepdaughter, a black husband, but we all have different experiences and different thoughts. I have different experiences and different thoughts compared to yours. So I just want to mention that I'm coming from my experiences, my thoughts, but no matter the differences, I believe that these tools can help every human on some level.

So I want to start off with a question. Do you ever argue with yourself about what is happening around you? About reality, about the facts, maybe about what someone said, what someone did, what is occurring outside of you in the world. I know that I've been doing that a lot these days, and I do that by thinking the thoughts:

"This shouldn't be the way things are."

"People shouldn't treat other humans that way."

"I wish things were different." That one occurs a lot.

"My son shouldn't have to grow up in a world that includes hate for his skin color."

I believe that black people aren't treated fairly. I hate that people aren't treated equally. So I have these thoughts. I have these thoughts, but these thoughts that I have, "this shouldn't be the way things are. People shouldn't treat other humans that way. I wish things were different. My son shouldn't have to grow up in a world that includes hate for a skin color." These thoughts create the feeling of powerless. Why do I feel powerless? It's because I don't have control over what other people are doing. I don't have control over what's happening in the world, what that one person did or that person said, or what that group of people are doing. I don't have control over the whole world. So I'm thinking these thoughts and I'm creating that feeling of powerless.

I'm feeling powerless because I'm arguing with the reality. I'm wanting the reality to be different by saying things shouldn't be the way things are. People shouldn't treat other humans that way. I've decided intentionally that these thoughts are what I want to believe. I want to believe these thoughts: "This shouldn't be the way things are. People shouldn't treat other humans that way. My son shouldn't have to grow up in a world that includes hate for his skin color." I believe these thoughts. I want to believe these things. I also know that as soon as I can accept the reality that: things are this way. People do treat other humans the way that they are treating them. Things aren't different. And my son is growing up in a world that includes hate for his skin color. As soon as I can accept the reality of the situation, that's when I can move forward in the way that I intend to. In the way that I want to.

Now accepting reality does not mean that I agree with it. By accepting the facts, it's not meaning that I agree with the facts. It means that I stop holding myself back with my own thoughts.

So when I think "this shouldn't be the way things are. Things shouldn't be this way." I am holding myself back because I'm creating powerless for myself. I'm taking away my own power. When I think "people shouldn't treat other humans that way" I'm creating powerless. I'm holding myself back. "I wish things were different." Powerless, and I'm holding myself back. "My son shouldn't have to grow up in a world that includes hate for his skin color." I'm creating powerless along with probably some other feelings, but I'm taking away that power for myself. Now, when I, when I'm creating this powerless feeling, I'm arguing with the reality. I'm arguing with what is happening. And I'm doing that to myself. I'm staying stuck in this powerless spot because I'm choosing to think these thoughts.

So seeing reality for what it is, is the first step, seeing it, having your eyes open to it. You want to see the world. And this includes your own thoughts, right? You have to start with what is actually happening with the reality of the situation, with your own thoughts, with what is happening outside of you, with the facts of it all in order to move forward. So you want to see your own thoughts. You want to see your own racial biases in order to make change. We need to know where we are to get to where we want to go.

If I can accept that the world is the way it is and I can move away from thinking thoughts that include "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", then I can start to create change. So this goes for everyone. When you can move away from those "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", you can give yourself your power back. When you can think, "okay, this is what we are dealing with, and now what do I want to do? And now who do I want to be? Okay? This is what we are dealing with, and now how do I want to show up?"

So I do this by keeping my own thoughts, accepting the reality. Keeping my own thoughts and accepting the reality looks like: "This shouldn't be the way things are, but they are... So now what?"

"People shouldn't treat other humans that way, but they do. And how do I want to show up?"

I wish things were different, but they aren't. So who do I want to be now?"

"My son shouldn't have to grow up in a world that includes hate for his skin color, but this is our reality. So let's make some changes."

Now you want to accept reality in order to create your new reality. You want to accept what is to make the change that you want to see. You want to give yourself your power back, empower yourself instead of stripping yourself of that power. Instead of creating that powerless feeling by thinking the thoughts: "this shouldn't be the way things are. People shouldn't treat other humans that way. I wish things were different." You want to add on the end "now what?" To those thoughts.

So the way that I am going to start with my, and "now what", my change in the world, is I want to teach my son about both of his races. He is both, both black and white. I want to teach him about the facts of the world. I want to show him that there is racism in the world, and he will most likely encounter this. I want his eyes to be wide open. I want him to be able to see everything so that he can be empowered and he can say, and "now what?"

It hurts my heart to know that he's going to have to deal with this stuff. But I want to give him all the tools that he can have in order to be able to be the person that he wants to be. I think if I don't give him or show him the reality that's occurring or the reality that is, it handicaps him. It holds him back. And I say that to all of you as well. When you don't see the reality for how it is and what it is, you're holding yourself back.

I just ordered, I think it's six books, six children books for my son to teach him about the reality in the world. To teach him about racism, to teach him about diversity. I want him to have all these tools and I want him to be empowered. And I want him to go forward with, and "now what". I want his eyes to be wide open.

And I want all your eyes to be wide open as well. Look at what is in front of you. Look at your own thoughts, open up to what is. As a mom, what I can give my son is knowledge, all the good, the bad and the ugly. I can give him the reality and unwavering awareness that he can do, be, feel, create, and think anything, no matter what. I can give him the empowerment, and it starts off with the reality. It starts off with seeing what is.

So take control of your own reality by accepting what is in front of you and then say, and "now what?"

Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you next time.

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© 2020 Whitney Wells Coaching
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